Career Fair

hi

i am a jew from texas

i have bad breath and am a lot smarter than most of your applicants

my resume is science fiction and I walk around with my tail tucked

to another fat man in a stand glaring down his nose

‘if i gave you a million dollars, sir, Mr. ralston, what would you do with it, sir, how do YOU see yourself investing it?’

funny you should ask. i have a million. the guy who hates money…the only guy in his family who isn’t a millionaire. my wife has a million and i’m horrified. i’m here to learn how not to burn money.

i haven’t the faintest idea, really

‘you have to have passion, Mr. ralston. i don’t see YOU having passion. did YOU come here to apply to Merrill-Lynch or did you just need a job, any job, because, you know, to be successful here there can be nothing else, working for us is all you can ever want. to be honest with you, son, maybe one guy all day has the dedication.’

he tosses my resume under the table, and smiles, his bald head sweating like cheese.

‘you need to figure out what you want to do.’

the family’s all lawyers or doctors and i just got a gig as a butcher.

i am a bad employee

i am a bad husband

i do bad with authority

‘are YOU credible to your family sir?’

credible as a cracked nut. they called me loser until they lost hope and then they didn’t call. I can’t afford family reunion anyway….[[i didn’t say this, i think] i said:

you know, prick, my cousin used to work for y’all and
embezzled millions without getting caught. don’t worry tho, he drank
himself dead last year.

shortly after…while i was about to start in on the guys from
the CIA, a security guard escorted me out to freedom and cold air.